A lesson of time
Be like sea glass
As I sat in silence this morning and felt the sting of the past and grief pierce my heart once more. Unlike every other April for the past 18 years I chose to sit with it more, honor it and look for what it means in my life in the present moment. You see April is rough month for me my dad was diagnosed with cancer 18 years ago and died only months later and 10 years later my mom passed of cancer in April as well and then 18 years ago I had a dream where my brother flashed in with just his face and yelled Pin Head I am dead. (Yes that is what he called me) I awoke scared and shaking and thought wow that was real and woke up my husband. I could not fall back to sleep I kept thinking to myself maybe it is just the hormones as was I pregnant with my first child and caring for dad at the time. So in the morning I called my brother who lived in Buffalo N.Y. He did not answer I called many times that day and left messages with no response. I Just kept telling myself this cannot be happening, I have been intuitive my life and studying dreams since I was 13. But not in a supported way! I mustered up the courage to tell my family about the dream and how concerned I was. I couldn’t drive a block without getting sick so I could not go and they said it was just a dream and that I was exaggerating. My brother did sometimes fall off grid for periods of time. I kept calling people who knew him out there until finally someone answered and she went to check on him and sadly they found him dead in his apt. I woke up from that dream on April 21st 1999. They sent him for an autopsy and the estimated day of death was April 21st 1999. I dealt with so many emotions at once but most of all it was guilt. For not believing in myself more, but even worse accepting that my family didn’t either. No ever said they were sorry that they didn’t believe me and acted like I never said anything. I continued to care for my dad and assist my mom who was grieving her child.
As I sat in silence then with all the anger building in me I Vowed to myself to never be anything but myself and always be true to me no matter what. I started believing in my skills more and opening up more as that year I lost seven people that loved all of which came to say good bye in spirit before they left. Because once you pass you see the truth. I accepted each visit with an open heart. 1999 was the year I declared to work on me. And I have and will always continue to. I can finally after all years write and speak about it with a rush of anger, guilt and resentment. But instead I feel the grief and then let move on. It is a reminder on how I weathered my storms, a reminder of lessons I have learned. I gave this tiny person life this year as well. With all ending there are new beginnings, what we think is the worst thing possible could bring to where you need to be. All of my endings made me who am I am today and they hurt yes they did but I would change the universal plan even if I could.
Lessons I took from meditating on the beach with a piece of sea glass beside me. At first we feel broken and shattered into pieces, but the relentless sea will keep moving and those waves will keep coming no matter what, and we have a choice we can stay in a place where feel broken, or we can let it soften our edges and help us to shine brightly. Doing your work means feeling the pain, looking at the pain and no it is not all rainbows and butterflies it a dark place that as you do your work and acknowledge your pain and your past the light starts to break through and then is when you start to shine. This year I look back at 1999 and I thank it for lessons, I talk with my ancestors and with much gratitude for the lessons they STILL bring, and I celebrate their lives instead of grieving their loss. (As they are always with us) I hold space for myself and my family. April is a time of spring, a time of new beginnings and after many years of working on myself I welcome April with open arms and say to everyone be like the Sea glass and let your lessons even the most difficult one soften you.
Much love and blessings